There are quite a few feelings going on today. I feel determination, there is some irritation and deep underneath sadness, a big big sadness. To start with the last part, it feel like some very old well matured sadness that has been woken up somehow. It will make me cry as soon as I get closer to it. It’s funny that actually I started writing thinking I am feeling quite good today. Still true. Then all of a sudden I realised there has been this simmering sadness for quite a few days actually. Triggered by the vet suggesting not to wake up our 6 year old dog after an anaesthesia to make some x-rays. Even though this shocked me and saddened me, this is not the cause of that deep big sadness. That sadness is related to an endless feeling of loneliness. Will I ever be able to talk about this loneliness without getting extremely emotional?
Sad: feeling or showing sorrow; unhappy.
Anyway, determination is more prominent and more recent, together with irritation. First a quick look at what these are.
Determination: quality of being determined, firmness of purpose
Determined: having made a firm decision and being resolved not to change it.
Resolute: admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.
Irritation: the state of feeling annoyed, impatient, or slightly angry.
I’m not sure I made a decision, not consciously at least. Resolute then maybe. The thing is, I don’t know the purpose yet. Probably will never know. I have just set my mind to at least figuring out what makes me happy, satisfied and how I would like to spend my days.
Irritation is caused by someone telling me things about myself. He may be very right. Today I’m in denial which caused the irritation. How would he know?! Based on some silly assessment, yeah right. Why would this irritate me? Maybe because I’m also scared and insecure. What if he is right? I will need to go out there and step up my game. Why would that be scary? That should be fun, actually. I’m not sure I like the expectations that I have immediately put on myself hearing about my talents. I still want to do well rather than doing the right thing. Forget about it. In reality you don’t even care whether it is perfect or even good. You just want to get it done. Well, there you go.